I talk to... VOLCANO CLIMBING JONNY

Some people support charity the hard way, by demolishing small ornaments, while others take the easy way out by climbing three active volcanoes in a week and raising thousands of pounds in the process. Elephant House staff member Jonny and cafe owner David belong to the latter group. Come November 10th they'll be in the Phillipines tackling three of them there hot mountain type things (I got a 'B' in my Geography GCSE).

The actual volcanoes are the not insignificant Taal (ongoing signs of unrest), the imposing looking Pinatubo (which in 1991 produced the second biggest volcanic eruption of the 20th century) and the whopping-great-big scary-looking steam-spouting Mayon (see photograph; eruption imminent, level 2 alert in place due to increased activity in June and July of 2009 - nice timing guys...)

About twenty people are undertaking the adventure. Their target (apart from evading any potential Pompeii-style outcome) is to raise £50,000 for the Scottish Filipino Charity, an organisation that funds the education of underprivileged children in the Phillipines. If you visit the Elephant House in Edinburgh it would be GREAT if you could spare a few pounds for this cause... And if you're reading this from afar, it would be GREAT if you could donate via the charity's website.

I break... AN ELEPHANT

I spin round in the cafe, my bag lurches out from my side, and an elephant tumbles from its ledge to the floor. Elephants have four legs, but this one now has three. Under the stern gaze of elephant-loving tourists I crawl around on the floor looking for the missing elephant limb, knowing that I am a bad person: the elephant was for sale, with all monies going to the The Scottish Filipino Charity, which sponsors the education of children in the Philippines. I have butchered a child-educating charity elephant.

I realise I must buy this three-legged elephant or kiss my reputation goodbye. I 'fess up to a member of staff and buy the creature for £5. I take it home. I put it on a ledge of my own. I like it. I ponder whether to glue its leg back on.

The Scottish Filipino Charity is an organisation that supports underprivileged children in the Philippines. In November Elephant House owner David and staff member Jonny are doing a sponsored climb of three Philippine volcanoes, in aid of the charity. To sponsor them, or to break your own elephant and then pay for it, speak to anyone in the cafe, or check out www.scottishfilipinocharity.org. More on this sponsored volcano climb soon...

I talk to... RAJORSHI CHAKRABORTI and MYSTERY MR X

age: 33
from: India
type of visitor: regular
drinking: pot of darjeeling tea

I know highly entertaining Indian novelist Raj from a couple of readings we've both attended. His first novel Or The Day Seizes You was shortlisted for a prestigious prize, and his second novel Derangements has recently been accepted for publication in the U.S.

Raj sweeps into the Elephant House hoping for some heavyweight literary discussion. This explains why he's looking not for me but mystery Mr X, a regular in the Elephant House who prefers not to be identified on account of a becoming modesty. Experiencing Raj and Mr X talk literature is like being pleasurably happy-slapped by Jacques Derrida wielding a studded copy of Middlemarch. With relish they set about discussing all the books ever written, while I chip in with my own distinctive slant on literature (“Um, no, haven't read that”; “Or that”; “Er, who?”)

Mr X goes to the toilet - even enigmas have their down-to-earth aspects - and Raj asks me whether a good novel needs to be all trees, or trees and lawn; in other words, does incident need to be set off by reflection, or can it be packed in like a forest? I say something highly intelligent about trees, lawns, valleys, mountains, glaciers. Just want to put that on the record.

Raj is a sentence maker - the language of his novels is endlessly rich and fecund, and hearing him read his work aloud is one of the most enjoyable experiences a reading can provide. He writes short stories too...